Parenting: The Right Attitude for Sending Messages to Your Children

 

Do you have the right attitude for sending messages to your children?

Published on September 2, 2011 by Jim Taylor, Ph.D. in The Power of Prime

Your greatest challenge in sending healthy messages to your children involves getting those messages to really sink in. Effective messages, defined as your children receiving, ingraining, and expressing the desired messages, depend on communicating those messages over and over and over again.

I know when my wife's and my messages are getting through to our daughters; the messages begin to irritate them. Getting irritated means that they are paying attention and we are learning the messages to the point where we don't need to tell them again. Of course, when our daughters send this message to us, we try to respond by easing up on that message or perhaps switching to another message so they don't get totally annoyed with us!

Being an effective messenger to your children (which means you sending and your children getting your messages) starts with having the right attitude. This attitude involves four essential qualities that will keep you going when the going gets tough.

Patience

Patience acts as the foundation for the other three keys to successful messaging. When you make a commitment to deliberate messaging, your first acknowledgement is that, as a parent, you are in it for the long haul. Also, the more experience you gain as a parent, the more you realize that few things related to your children happen overnight (or over a few nights). Just about everything about children takes time, lots of time.

Unfortunately, we live in a culture where we are told that nothing in life should take time or be difficult; "instant" and "effortless" are central to its zeitgeist (celebutantes, microwaves, and Web searches come to mind). Yet, when you buy into this attitude as a parent, you pretty much guarantee a parenting experience replete with frustration, anger, despair and, well, failure because your children and this attitude simply can't coexist in the child-rearing universe.

So it all starts with patience, knowing that most all of your efforts will not be rewarded for a long time, perhaps months, perhaps years, but also grounded in the belief that your commitment and hard work will bear fruit sooner or later. When you begin with this Zen-like patience, you accept the obstacles, setbacks, failures, and resistance as just a part of the long journey of raising your children. Though, because you are human, you will certainly feel some of those less-pleasant emotions associated with raising children, your over-all attitude will be one of equanimity in the face of the many challenges that are parents' constant companion. The result is greater resolve, more level-headedness and empathy, less frustration, and, importantly, a very clear meta-message to your children that "I AM NEVER GIVING UP!"

Repetition

Repetition involves the simple fact that children don't get many messages the first or second or tenth or one hundredth time we send them. I read a study not long ago that found that it takes 2000 repetitions to ingrain a sports skills. I don't know whether this finding would apply to children ingraining messages from their parents, but, given the number of times we have asked Catie and Gracie to set the table or bring their dishes to the sink or take their shoes off when they enter the house, I'm going to guess that 2000 is a vast underestimation of the number of repetitions needed for messages to sink in.

And I don't think there is a parent on Earth who would say that it is easy getting to that large number of repetitions. In fact, I would guess that many parents give up long before they hit that magic number. Why? Well, does the image of beating your head against a wall ring true for you? That's what it feels like to us sometimes when Sarah and I keep sending Catie and Gracie messages and they just don't get them. What emotions do we typically experience in these situations? Frustration, anger, exhaustion, and despair sum it up pretty well. And when you hit despair the next reaction is to give up and there is no place in parenting for surrender because when you throw in the towel you're really giving up on your children. The result? They lose. That's where the next three keys come into play big time.

Persistence

That is why persistence may be the single most important thing you need to have to get your messages across to your children. Even when they seem not to be listening (they actually are), when they don't seem to be getting the messages (the blank stare), when they are acting exactly opposite of your messages (just to test your limits), your commitment to those messages and your willingness to persist against such discouragement will ultimately determine whether your children truly get your messages. For your children to really get the messages that you send them you must be doggedly persistent; you just have to stick with it no matter how little appears to be getting through those thick little skulls of theirs.

Your children may not appear to be listening to anything you can. It's easy to get frustrated and give up: "Why should I put so much time and energy into positive messages if my kids aren't paying attention?!?!" But let me assure you that your children are listening, they are watching, and those messages are getting through to them. It may take years for them to finally get it enough to act on those messages, but it's worth the wait.

But persistence isn't enough because, more often than not, you are going to hit bumps in the road that will test your mettle. You'll feel like your children are not only not getting the messages you send them, but they appear to be getting their exact opposites. After months of sending your kids the messages, for example, to be nice to their siblings or "please don't interrupt when I'm speaking to your mother," they continue to be mean and butt in. Oh, the frustration!

Perseverance

That's where perseverance comes into play. I see perseverance as different than mere persistence. The latter involves just continuing to the messages under normal conditions. The former means continuing to send the message in the face of setbacks and discouragement. There is no magic to developing perseverance. It starts with an unwavering commitment to do what's best for your children, no matter how tiring, frustrating, or just plain galling it gets. It continues with an ever-conscious awareness when your children are pushing you to the edge - recognition alone will help prevent you from giving up - and a reaffirmation to continue to send the messages no matter what. Perseverance concludes with a deep faith in the value of your messages to your children. This steadfast conviction that your efforts will be rewarded will provide you with the intestinal fortitude to step back from the precipice, turn around, and continue your journey of healthy messaging for the sake of your children.